There is beauty in every day. I am looking for it, as noticing the gifts in my life yields evidence of God's grace. However, there is the opposite of beauty in every day too. Some days, the evidence of these things are easier to note:
- My child pushing me into the counter after challenging day. My side aches from the shove and my frustration skyrockets. Her will is fiery and it can surely burn. I struggle to remain patient and parent gently. I clumsily attempt to lavish her with love.
- Being meticulous about my dietary choices and exercise only to see the scale read higher and I feel worse. After news that my hormones are out-of-balance, I try to nurture my body and nudge it toward balance holistically, and it seems to declare war.
- I daydream about fertility, adoption, foster care? But surely, my body and the circumstances of my life seem to say, "Not now. There's no room for this now. Maybe not ever." My body feels old and my heart grows tired with the reality. I see others add to their families with grace and ease. This life is much harder than I anticipated and not what I expected.
Surely we could count the trials as we could count the blessings. But we must cling, white-knuckled to the truth. God has called us to things and we dig our heels in. We attempt to remain faithful to what He has called us to. So I love my daughter, sometimes through tears and discouragement. I keep waking to her cries after almost three years of interrupted sleep and many days more turbulent than peaceful. I keep trusting God with this body. I make the choice to consume nutritious food, to try to love my body into balance. I hand over my visions of what make a family and what make dreams. After all, He gives me vision and He knows what He is creating with my life. I fight the urge to elevate my trials above the blessings.
If He is love, He is loving me through this. Sometimes we are called to persist when it's hard. Sometimes the love comes through the pain. He is our deliverer, and He hears us. I'm thankful for His ever-present love and faithfulness today.
"One act of thanksgiving,
when things go wrong with us,
is worth a thousand thanks when things
are agreeable to our inclinations."
-Saint John of Avila