Emily Hawkins6 Comments


Emily Hawkins6 Comments

What I want to say is, "Stay."
What I wish you knew - is that I have had those feelings too.
That others have had those feelings - 
And you're not alone or unseen in them.

What I wish you knew - 
Is how treasured you are.
How all parts of you have purpose,
Even the dark, my dear.

I know it feels so immovable.
The pain, the seeming endlessness.
I wish your ears could have heard, your heart could have known,
The immensity of your value, the radiance of your reality.

It is difficult to understand why you had to go.
But you did.
This is your story. And who am I to understand?
As much as all darkness has a place, so does this piece in your story.

However much I hate it for you,
And for all who love you, 
I cannot change it for you.
But I can recognize that you, my dear, have not really left.

You go on. 
Just as some sparkle cannot be contained. Like stars that blaze bright. 
Like reflections on the water. 
Dancing. Free.

You go on, in the memories held dear.
In the tears shed, in your loved ones brought together. You are there.
You are there as the pain descends, 
And you will be there when they laugh again.
You will be there - as people learn about you for the first time.
As they sense even a sliver of the magnitude of your absence.

You are there as people begin to speak - about their own darkness.
You are there as they speak of your light, the way you encouraged others to be.
You are there when the words are shared -
About ways we ought to be to each other.
How we need to talk and look each other in the eyes.
How we need to hold space and listen.
You are there when we speak up in boldness, when we love in sincerity.
When we choose to carry on. 

For now, we see you in our sadness.
But we will find you in the beauty.
You will always dwell in the beauty. 
At first, it seemed like an end. 
But now it unfolds: a new beginning.

I wanted to say, "Stay." And I still do.
But I know you go on, your story continues.
And you remain as you were: brilliant, gentle, beautiful.

We see you. We remember you. We treasure you, Kiya. You embolden our hearts and inspire us to love with greater ferocity. Rest in peace, sweet girl. You are so loved. 

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. Your life is valuable. There is a way through this. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) anytime or click here to chat with someone who can help.

If you have the means to donate to Kiya's family, please do so here.

Thank you for reading.