Where do I begin? I am no longer interested in obsessing over you. I am no longer invested in the ever-shifting information about you that is supposed to unlock my best life. My use of you never determined the value of my body in the first place. I'm done calculating and measuring you. Rationing you only fed my sense of deprivation and caused me to further abuse you anyway. In my frenzied attempts to control you in the name of health and thinness, I created a monster of guilt that has followed me around for too long. Humans are truly not meant to live this way.
I'm not sure how it happened, but I know it started when I was young. I have memories of salads sans dressing in adolescence. Fad diets as I grew older. Diet pills with all sorts of side effects. Why did I fight against something meant to nourish and sustain?
I can't say I have this figured out. I face challenges every day. I've heard that the way we relate to food is the way we relate to life. I'm finding truth in that. As I work toward healing, I see how interconnected these issues are to life as a whole. This is a big pursuit, but it's also more worth it than I can express.
Where does that leave me? I am learning to live more peacefully. I'm sensing hunger, appreciating my body, and becoming reacquainted with my inner signals. I only wish I hadn't waited so long. The joy and freedom I'm discovering makes me wish so many people weren't bound up in disordered eating the way I once was. The struggle has taken up too much time and space in my life. Now, I'm eager to focus on other things that make my life meaningful.
And lastly, the fact that we're mending our relationship fills me with a great hope. Not just for myself, but for my daughter. I'm hopeful that she can have a sense of peace in her own skin, and a sense of self-worth that is far greater than the tiny boxes of appearance and religiosity towards you. Here's to you, and to all that is bigger and better.
Resources (if you find yourself wanting to start a peaceful relationship with food and your body):
Food Psych Podcast
Love, Food Podcast
Body Kindness Podcast
Eating in the Light of the Moon
Geneen Roth books: Feeding the Hungry Heart, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
Isabel Foxen Duke